Apr 4, 2023
You can't fall asleep at night; you are anxious; your mind is racing, You listen to your thoughts and wonder when you will get respite. Morning comes and you face extreme fatigue. Exhaustion has a pain of its own, a feeling of weakness that is relentless. Finally, you face the day and wonder if your strength and stamina will ever return.
You are distracted and miserable most of the time. Your gut is out of whack. You feel gnawing vulnerabilities---raw fear. On top of this is the dark presence, the horrific shadow side of the high level narcissist. What you know for sure is that eventually he/she starts screaming at you, picking you apart in a low voice filled with derision and mocking. One of his/her favorites is humiliating you. Humiliation is one of the worst sensations we can experience. It is intolerable; we squirm inside, we feel small and want to disappear, to become invisible.
These cruelties visited on you by the high level are a regular feature, wearing you thin, jangling your nervous system, causing anxiety and panic. For some, re-activating their childhood trauma.
This is particularly alarming since your narcissistic partner/spouse doesn't give a damn about you or your well being. In fact he is incensed that you are ill and pulling him/her down. You are bad for his image. Having a partner who is not "Up" all the time is very unappealing. The flawless narcissist despises your chronic exhaustion and uses every opportunity to deride and abandon you.
Gradually, you are moving through the exhaustion, feeling the beginnings of strength. You do research and develop a clear understanding of the high level narcissist.
With time and an inner resolve and connection with a few individuals whom you trust you know that in order to heal and restore your psychological and physical health you need to move along your own recovery pathways that activate the restorative, parasympathetic body/mind systems, daily self care: rest, sleep, pure nutrition, good hydration, Nature's healing gifts, the use of your unique creativity, your form of spiritual practice: basic restorative yoga, stretching, exercise your way. Another phenomental gift of restoration: listening to beautiful music that moves inside with its beauty and promise of renewal, strength and transformation, the fullness of your original true self.